gowanmetal

Watchmen

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 00:40:50 GMT

*****Spoilers warning****

...So, I went to the opening of Watchmen last night at 12:01 with a gaggle of geeky friends. It was actually really awesome. Beautifully, beautifully shot and designed. I'm impressed with their treatment of some very difficult characters, and I wasn't disappointed about anything crucial. The music was a useful thread, and social context was set up nicely, and it was an all around great movie. Laurie, was, of course, an annoying little bint, but Alan Moore pretty much writes women that way, so while annoying, at least it was faithful.

"Oh, I is all empowered! Kick punch! Look at my pretty tits!"

Barf. I could also have done with a little less gratuitous sexxoring- especially the shot of the slightly flabby humping man-butt.

And, yes, they have been calling this the big blue cock movie for a reason. There is a big blue cock, and you see a lot of it. Tee hee, ect. I thought they did a great job with Dr. Manhattan in general- he seemed real and fully erm, fleshed out, not overly CG. I loved his Mars conveyance thing and his growing distance from the world.

Overall, I loved it. The things that annoyed me were about what you'd expect from a film adaptation of something so dense and so loved by so many people- its hard not to step on some toes, and the movie was still three freaking hours long.

I am still kind if groggy. Yay.

Hey Everybody.

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 06:22:31 GMT

Happy Pay for Sex Day.

Yay.

Actually, I'm enoying being snowed in.

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 20:49:06 GMT

I have my David, it's warm, I'm not dying as the bus careens out of control on a patch of ice, I don't have to sit around being awkward on the last few days of class after the work is done like always happens, we have movies, anytime we go out, it's a big event.

Though we are running low on food.

And I kinda do have cabin fever.

But all things considered, it's not so bad.

I slept until noon. Whee.

wheee!

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 20:39:24 GMT

It's snowing!

Snarlgrar

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 21:02:25 GMT

Lord spare me from teenage boys with crushes.

It is seriously the worst, creepiest, angstiest, most emotionally blackmailiest thing ever.

And the hug that kind of liingers and includes a neck kiss? NOT COOL. NOT SMOOTH. PLACES ALL YOUR BITS IN IMMINENT PERIL.

grarsnarlvomitgrarsnarl

fury.

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:23:08 GMT

So, apparently the "god hates fags" people are coming to Portland on Monday. I keep getting more and more angry as I do more research. I kind of want to harass them, but then I just get tired. I'm not going to change anything about their ridiculous fanaticism- the only reason I still have the impulse to join what I'm sure will be a counter-protest happening at the PSU campus is to show that Portland is a place where people are able to be gay and be safe, and that people won't hear a group in our community be bashed and not defend them. I would similarly want to show up in solidarity of the black community if a neo-nazi group came here and was picketing a college with a African American Studies department.

I understand the argument about ignoring them being more effective- let the crazy people shout, responding only gives them the impression that they have valid arguments. I understand, but I think that especially in light of Prop 8 passing, (which, by the way, I hereby revoke my Californianism) we can't pretend that people don't actually have deep seated hatred of gays, even if they wouldn't come out and admit it in public, and even if it's more insidious and subtle.

Obviously these people are insane. However, I think that a strong show of opposition saying that "well, no, actually, you can't just get off your bus here and tell students and professors at our local college that god hates them and they're going to hell without there being some sort of public backlash. We're not your fucking puppies, and we're not obligated to roll over for you. Sure you have the right to free speech- so do I." They are coming to our turf and being hateful assholes. I want to see them be given a hard time, at least.

I wish more people at the funerals of their family that these deranged assholes harass and abuse- there's even video footage of one of them telling an eight-year-old girl that her father, recently killed, was a "fag enabler" and was burning in hell- I wish they would push back more. I wish people would support the families more. Even the insane and violent apparently have rights to free speech as long as they pay for permits and have a church. If some homeless guy starting yelling about doom and how we're a nation of fags, he'd be hauled off. I'm not even arguing that these people should be shut down by the Police- I think they should just be overwhelmed in numbers and shouted down, mocked, and shamed for trespassing on people's schools, jobs, and the funerals of their loved ones.

Fuck them, really, really, fuck them. They are not welcome here.

They have a habit of suddenly changing their plans around and canceling things- probably because they get wind of opposition, bu their schedule is as follows:

Fred Phelps and a group from Westboro Baptist Church have a slate of picketing events planned in Portland from 7:30 a.m. to 3:15 p.m. Monday, Nov. 24.

First stop is the Portland State University Campus, whom, according to the God Hates Fags Web site are “enablers” because of their Queer Resource Center, nondiscrimination policy that protects sexual minorities and gender neutral bathrooms.

Next up, at 8:30 a.m., the Swedish Consulate in Portland, for arresting “Bible preachers and put them in prison in that evil nation.”

9:30 a.m. The Westboro crew will picket at Portland’s Germany Consulate. They say, “They did much evil in their history, and now to try to kiss fag ass and distract from that fact they have become more and more evil.”

Next the crew heads to Silverton, Ore. for an 11:30 a.m. protest against the city’s new transgender mayor, Stu Masmussen. “We are going to come to your little Oregon town to speak some words of truth to this 60 year old pervert. Nobody else will just tell him to STOP THAT!”

Their tour of Oregon ends with a stop at the Finland Consulate at 2:45 p.m.

So, apparently they have problems with people's consulates? Or maybe they just have less opposition there? I dunno. I don't think, as a community, we should put up with our neighbors being attacked. I don't think Stu Masmussen should have to put up with hate like this. I don't think it's unreasonable to protest people coming from outside the community to verbally assault our members.

I don't think someone is going to raise their hand and say; "excuse me, sir, but you're batshit fucking nuts" and have the response be, "oh, my. You're right! We'll just get back on our bus and head back to Westboro to be bigots and assholes there, instead." Or even; "Hm. Maybe you're got a point there. Maybe I've internalized my own latent homosexual urges, combined them with megalomania and a desire to control, along with a whole lot of frustration and anger about whatever else, used the bible to justify it, and created a god who hates everyone I hate. Maybe I'll go home and start a stamp collection instead."

I don't care about educating anyone, I care about sending a clear message that we will defend our own, and not let anyone sling hatred unchallenged.

MROWLR.

self portraits

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 17:10:56 GMT

I am supposed to be drawing one. I have no interest in doing so. It's amusing to me how intently and eagerly everyone is working on theirs- apparently they are more interested in drawing themselves than say, a model.

I don't know what my block about self portraits is about. last year it's the only project I didn't turn in at CCA.

I simply find the idea of spending six hours looking at myself intolerably boring. Strange things begin to happen when I try, such as I turn funny colors, place myself in strange situations, and occasionally have tentacles, just to relieve the boredom and disinterest. For this I got up at the ass of dawn and left my warm David and braved the rain, which was intense, the cold and the various odors of the downtown bus?

To spend three hours drawing... myself? I could do that at home and not have to wear shoes while I did it. And I'd be warmer and be awake a reasonable time.

I think ultimately I can't seem to focus on my body that much. I don't like it when it hurts, I find it amusing when it is strange or lumpy or bony, I like fucking, and I like being warm and not being arrested, which means I like covering my bad, wicked, naughty bad bits. Very occasionally I like feeling shiny, but that rarely includes anything other than putting on my same clothes with more intent, and maybe brushing my hair, and, once in a blue moon, putting on some eye shadow. Which David's mother gave me. I own three pairs of pants and three skirts. It's not that I'm doing a holier-than-thou anti-materialism thing, it's that I simply have no interest, and am unable to give my attention to such a thing. I probably wouldn't think about it at all if society at large didn't constantly point out how unusual my position on this is.

When I think about girls who spend four hours fucking with their face and clothes, I just get tired.

Similarly, I have no interest in looking at myself in a mirror for SIX FUCKING HOURS, THREE OF WHICH ARE ON THIS RAINY, COLD, WET MORNING WHEN I SHOULD STILL BE IN BED WITH MY DAVID.

Gah.

zombies

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 09:26:47 GMT

We're watching a zombie movie. Or David is. I find the concept of zombies interesting.

When I lived out in the sticks, I was never afraid of zombies. To me, movies like Resident Evil reinforced my ideas about the stupidity of urban existence in the event of a disease outbreak, but didn't frighten me on any deep emotional level.

But, when I hear people turning over trash cans outside the window at three a.m. it reminds me that there is a little but a pane of glass and some social convention separating them from me. When I leave early in the morning, the street is dotted with random, stumbling people who from across the street are right out of 28 Days Later. When I'm on a bus, I feel very clearly the press of everyone's collective germs being on every surface.

Zombies are an urban fear. They are fear of plague, fear of the insane and homeless, fear of being set upon by shambling, incoherent, rotting hordes. I've seen dead people who have died violently, and they look nothing like zombies in movies. Zombies a la 28 Days Later look like the homeless insane. Resident Evil zombies seem to be more about a fear of infection, disease, distrust of the corporate structure.

Now that I live in the city, I get it.

The zombie mythos perfectly reflects the culture.

Ick.

BWAH!

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 21:31:42 GMT

It is now election time, and I am a scared and trembly little Gowan, which does not help me solder.

So I do hope everyone is voting, please. I think the only way to ensure that the Conservative owned voting machines actually report anything correctly is to have such an overwhelming landslide for Obama that trying to shave votes off the edges won't work.

....I'm all nervous.

...EEP.

ahem.

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 17:21:27 GMT

Haaaaapppppppeeeeeeee Biiiiirthday, you are my Davvvviiiidd, and it is your biiiirthday, and I loooovvvveeeessss youuuuuuuuuuuu!

(spastic dance time)

That is all.

why I love my new school's administration

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 20:43:51 GMT

As I was walking from a studio up to the main school some yokels in an SUV leaned out their window and aggressively cat called at me. I am not a tolerant little Gowan and do not like being cat called at. So, I flipped him off and yelled something to the effect of hoping he got his dick broken off in his grandmother's asshole.
I looked around and saw the admissions officer, Devon Simpson, was just coming out of a building and had witnessed this. Before I could start apologizing, she said; "I swear to god, all men have terminal brain damage. No one has ever gotten a girl that way. It's like sticking your finger in a light socket repeatedly. Fucking idiots." I said; "I want a rocket launcher. Devon, will the school buy me a rocket launcher?" She said, "I'll look into it. We might have to hold a bake sale." We commiserated about idiotic men in big cars, (she made the penis size joke, not me) and then went on our way.

In conclusion, my school is awesome.

Maybe I can actually get them to deliver on that rocket launcher. Little bits of burning asshole and car parts raining down on the road is such a lovely image.

Now I am going to eat some soup.

school

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 18:32:21 GMT

I just went over my schedule, and it looks like I will be done with school in Spring of 2012.

That is a lot of school.

And then when I get out, I'll have about four months of a life, and then the world will end.

I think I'm depressed.

In the meantime, I think because it's cold out, I have an almost irrepressible urge to make things out of wool. I found myself thinking about a nice stitch to edge a blanket with on the bus this morning.

I want a sheep. And to go home. And to be asleep some more.

There are a bunch of things I should be doing, but I feel totally uninspired. I don't feel sick like I did before I got treated- just exhausted. I actually feel better, but I can feel my body processing all this stuff and I seem to need roughly four times the sleep of a normal healthy human.

I'm so homesick. My mother was talking to me on the phone the other day, and casually said "oh, I have all this chard seed to send you... oh, wait." Yeah. I live in a cement world. And the dirt that there is has lots of pee in it.

I had an interesting experience this morning. From the stairs of the loft you can see through the venetian blinds, and you can hear like you're on the street. There was a gaggle of people on our corner blocking our door with their shopping cart, including a loud and bad tempered sounding man. As I walked down the stairs he must have heard my boots because he suddenly turned around and began trying to peer through the blinds. It was a very exposed feeling. I remember when I felt fine walking around my house naked.

I have to go to class. I don't feel like it. Mostly, I feel like sleeping, and also have this building desire to run, a lot. Stupid shin splints. Stupid not having a sheep. Stupid not being able to grow things. Stupid not having any privacy.

I kind of want to cry.

my snake died

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 03:07:41 GMT

R.I.P Snake 2007-2008
She had a slight genetic defect in her jaw, which is actually pretty common, modern life being what it is. As she got older it seemed to get worse, and she had repeated problems with it while swallowing food. While eating a mouse she tore some skin in her mouth, and got a horrific infection that I just could not beat, despite repeated cleanings of the site and treating her with antibiotics, which was an ordeal in of itself, thankfully that I was able to do while David was out. She died a few hours ago, somewhat ironically while David and I were agonizing in discussion over whether or not to euthanize her. It's funny how tough snakes are as adults and how delicate they are as babies. And they really do have to be perfect to live, natural selection does not get cheated.

I'm sad. I've never had a snake die in my care before. I keep going over everything, and I can't think of anything I did wrong, but I still feel like shit. She could have lived forty years and grown to be eight feet long.

I think part of the reason I'm so sad is that all the snakes that I worked with as a volunteer were in some way or another beat up, whether from mal-nutrition or disease or injury. I know that the reason I wasn't personally caring for snakes that died is that they were destroyed by the animal shelter if they were in too rough of shape, but we brought back a lot of snakes from really awful injuries- one royal python had 3rd degree burns on his entire stomach, which were infected, and he lived and is a perfectly healthy pet and snake ambassador in the Bay and visits schools. But, he was an adult and didn't have a pre-existing defect.

I just feel like I should be the perfect snake owner, as a rescue worker. I hate it when people are irresponsible with their animals, and I don't think I was- but sometimes they still get sick and die and there's nothing you can do.

Poor little snake. May the mice be slow and the sun be warm wherever you go next.

Sick.

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 03:17:33 GMT

Sick. Sick, sick.

Sniff.

Hate.

Sniff.

Germs. School. Hookah lovin'

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 05:04:24 GMT

I think I have been infected with someone's filthy, filthy, awful germs. From their filthy, filthy, awful little body.

I hate public transportation. People are so fucking gross. Breathing on me with their foul, germ laden breath, touching things with their filthy little handses, compromising the integrity of my immune system, I want all you fuckers to die horrible, hacking, coughing deaths.

Whoever thought putting so many people in proximity to each other was a good idea deserves to have a fistful of fish hooks crammed up their puckered little asshole followed by a quart of battery acid.

I feel contaminated.

In other news, I think I might be sick. Ever since moving to the city, I get sick more often. I have a rural immune system. I am immune to the specific bugs of my region. Not to EVERYONE'S freaking bacteria.

I will drink some tea and be fine. It's more that I feel personally offended than anything else. Like my personal space has been invaded by... I won't start again.

I like school. I am reading a lot of Foucault. This is not helping my feelings toward people in general, but does give me a bit of a happy. I have half-formulated ideas about his writing swirling about in my head that maybe I will write about later. He seems so defeatist to me, even when I see his logic. We're all trapped by the system, and even when we conceive of freedom, we just add another layer. Sure, I see this very clearly. I would love to escape from the city, and be able to live a life with as little interference in my personal shit and as little bullshit as possible, which to me makes buying some land and having a small studio and farm sound amazing. However, to achieve that, I plug into the system, go to school, build a skill-set, get into debt... to achieve what is really a very capitalist dream. So, yes. Absolutely. But, what then? If we're just fucked, should we all just relax about it? That's depressing. I see how he's very clever, but I kind of resent him for it.

Bleh. I need to read far more and have more thinking time before I make any real decision about how I feel about all of it.

Someone smart give me their opinion?

Also, David and I turned the living room into some kind of strange Japanese/Middle Eastern fusion hookah lounge, since we both realized that we hate couches, like pillows, and that really, we would be happier people and have more space if we got rid of the furniture and instead filled the living room with pillows and candles. It's ridiculous, but far more comfortable. Artemis loves it.

I am generally a happy little Gowan. Other than the potential illness. Which, if it continues, will probably lead to me brutally slaughtering every single person on my morning bus commute. People. I hates them.

....yep.

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 14:59:19 GMT

So, I'm beginning to hallucinate.

Sleep helps with the sanity.

The only time I ever post on here is when I'm high on sleep dep.

I think I'll go buy yogurt. That's a reasonable thing to do at 8a.m.

blank

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 11:47:30 GMT

4 a.m.

again.

the problem with insomnia like this is i can't seem to do anything. i never feel awake. i'm usually pissed off. i'm not getting much done. i feel and look like shit.

i'm beginning to think this might be more physical than mental. even if i'm in a great mood i can't sleep. i just lie awake thinking and thinking and thinking... taking david's cow killing muscle relaxers only make me awake and stupid and sick.

soon school will start. summer is just about over, other than the fuel soaked crazy chaos of burningman... summer is over, and i didn't get in a river once. a waterfall, but that doesn't count, as i was still wearing clothes at the time.

i feel so dirty. *someone just turned the trashcan over and it was LOUD*

yep. dirty. the shower water feels scuzzy. i feel sweaty.

for some reason i've been thinking of captain hiller all day. he was a WWII captain, who lived alone in a tiny cabin down the road from my family's house. (after his death it was souped up by some relater and fitted with a sign that said "captain's cabin." within my lifetime i've watched the land in my home town all be bought, gutted, and re-sold to people who have nothing to do with us. using captain hiller as a kitch selling point is only a very obvious example of why if i ever move back there, i will bring explosives with me.)
at any rate. he had a beautiful garden. he grew flowers. he had a big ship's bell he let me ring. he told me about geography and the evils of war and showed me how to tie knots.

he died of cancer, and for the last year of his life he couldn't keep any food down except my mother's custard, which i would make with her every four days in my great-grandmother's ramekins, and i would carry down to him. he would eat them a quarter at a time, slowly. i remember his feet swelled up horrifically. he left me his cap-flash when he died. i think not sleeping brings up odd, confused memories. i've been thinking about carrying a tray of custard down the road and being totally, completely focused on every step, trying not to tip the heavy tray.

it's funny that in the city you're pressed up against people constantly, but also very isolated. people living feet from each other don't speak, and certainly don't just walk into each other's houses like at home.

ugh. blank. blankblankblank.

i miss my dog. i'm tired of feeling whiny.

i hate my brain.

insomnia is exactly like fun

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 11:00:17 GMT

oh, what fun i am having.

cheapest hallucinogen ever.

fuck.

fuck.

...my brain is bad to me.

Now hear this

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 09:39:14 GMT

David is wonderful.

*this statement has been made of my own free will and under no duress.

**kinda

corsets! armor! fur! leather!

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 03:09:34 GMT

I am happy and busy. I bought a really, really pretty corset, stripped off a bunch of the lace and unnecessary shit, and sewed in the fur of dead bunnies. It is hot.

I'm making armored covers for my boots out of hammered copper with a black patina and lining them with the same dead bunnies, and making a scale mail bikini, and making David hammered arm bracers, and generally having a grand old time.

Burning Man will soon be here. I will be hot. Yes.

I am excited. I will post pics (maybe) when things are done.

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!

time, people, abstraction

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 14:24:51 GMT

i am awake. everything is fuzzy.

i ran into a high school friend at stumptown yesterday. she says she'll call me today- she's in town for a week.

it was surreal. her name is jas. she was a transplant- didn't grow up in mendo, but went to highschool there. her parent's are rich. she's from L.A. she wears big earrings. she was always a little bizarre. i will probably hang out with her.

we really have nothing in common.

i shaved her head a few years ago. she knelt between my legs and rested her forehead on my thighs and i carefully cropped her hair off, then shaved it smooth.

i've fucked the same people she's fucked, i've peeled potatoes with her, i've slept in the same blankets, i've hauled firewood with her, i've seen her naked and leaned against her in the sweat lodge. her hands have been on all of my parts. i've had tea with her in the early, early morning at the lodge listening to a boy who had been both of our lover snore. i have articles of her clothing that i wear.

but she's really... not my friend. living and working in such close quarters make people close, and we are, in small ways that have built a fabric we are both part of. i know her. but she wasn't a person i was that tight with. just a person in the group. a newcomer, then a familiar part, not really questioned. we take intimacy for granted in such circumstances. seeing her randomly, in this new context is spinning my head a little. i don't really know what to say, other than what she said to me; "you look... like yourself."

insomnia

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 12:43:22 GMT

insomnia is exactly like fun.

i have things to be doing tomorrow. this is not convenient.

...

campings.

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 07:03:22 GMT

David and I just got back from a camping/party/expedition in the woods. It was really wonderful, I got to hang out with some people whose company I really enjoyed, was given un CHEEZBURGER, and made a lot of tea with David. By made, I mean I sat there while he made it. And then drank it. The sound was great... especially some silly remixes and an impassioned morning serenade entitled I want my fucking coffee now get up you lazy fucks that did indeed wake us up and get us going with David's hand pump espresso machine.

I picked berries. They were awesome. There are some in the fridge, and soon, I will eat them. It surprised me at first that there were blackberries already, but then I remembered, "duh, bitch, it's the middle of August. Just because you didn't get a summer doesn't mean it didn't go on without you."

It was so good to get into the woods. It was so good to sit with David and drink tea by a fire. It rained during the night and we were all cozy in our tent... I slept so well it was ridiculous. I felt closer, warmer, more affectionate, and at peace.

Coming back to the city, as much as it is embarrassing I was almost in tears. I still feel deflated, sad... even as much as I'm glad we went and part of me feels more relaxed.

Sad, sad sad. That is the state of the Gowan.

brain will not turn off

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 14:01:31 GMT

it's five a.m.

i'm awake.

insomnia is so much fun.

i'm thinking about how much i miss being home. i hate living in the city- every little thing wakes me up. some crazy walks by and knocks over the trash can? there goes my nights sleep. david is remarkably adept at waking up, making sure we're not being stabbed and eaten by the roaming, zombie like crack heads being separated from our vulnerable flesh by only a centimeter of glass, and then falling right back asleep.

i can't do this. if i am in awake mode, i am awake. all night.

i miss feeling sustained and in place. living in the city makes me feel deeply insecure on some basic levels that i can't seem to logic my way out of. i don't see my surroundings supporting me, as an animal, and that makes me sort of on a slow burn of irritable, uncomfortable, and disconnected. i know i can get the necessities of life, but a part of my brain is always looking around waiting for the worst to happen. sure, there's a grocery store. let's see that place in three days if the power gets shut. bridges are fragile, glass breaks, water mains break, everyone gets typhoid- the loft is a totally exposed, totally dependent box. without a huge, complicated web of infrastructure, we wouldn't last a week. even being in the park doesn't make me feel better- it's so artificial. it shouldn't exist and is the product of a lot of careful planning and a lot of resource expenditure to get it to exist.

pretty much, i think people are silly and i don't trust them to drive, fuck, vote, or have any thought for the welfare of others.

i could very easily be amish. except for the jesus factor. i wonder how much of that is a love for simplicity and independence, and how much of it comes from a true feeling of paranoia.

the thing is, it's easier to do things yourself. it seems like work to dig in the dirt and grow some lettuce, but when you thinking about the difference between the work of maintaining your soil, saving your seeds, cutting the lettuce, and eating the lettuce, shitting out the lettuce, putting that shit in a box with some dirt and other such things, and several years later(omnivore shit needs a slow cycle to compost) growing more lettuce out of it, it seems like kind of a lot, i suppose...
but really, working a job for which you have to have all this shit like a commute and an office and whatever else to be able to go to a store which is lit and temperature controlled to buy lettuce that someone else grew, made bags for, trucked, on roads, with gas, advertised, and so on, that you then shit into a very complicated system based on many miles of pipe that will go far away to be treated with chemicals and basically just hang out somewhere being creepy... it's so much simpler to just cut out all those layers of crap.

i worry about crap. there's really no worst case scenario plan for sanitation in a city in case of a disaster that i have yet heard. sanitation sucks in the city anyway- if you pee on the ground where there is dirt, it doesn't stink that much, because there is dirt for it to go into. if you pee on our corner, it just kind of hangs there, smelling foul, and then you end up with that very specific stale city urine smell that nothing gets rid of. i lived in utter poverty for quite a while in a country setting and never smelled anything so awful.
but anyway, should the very, very complicated sewer system be broken by, like, an earthquake- what would people do? evacuate... if the bridges are intact and the roads aren't impossibly clogged or full of holes... if the sewer and water went, we'd pretty much be fucked.

i guess it comes down to- i can easily make a system of waste control that would be safe for the rest of my natural life and safe for the land, that i know how to fix if it breaks- i mean-bucket, ash, sawdust. simple. compost slowly with a high mix of straw away from water source. this is not complicated at all. if the toilet breaks... i can plunger it for a while, jiggle the various parts... but after about twenty minutes i'm pretty much out of ideas and looking at paying a plumber some obscene amount of money to allow me to continue shitting. thing is, i'm a big girl. i know how to shit, and i get upset when i think about the fact that my ability to do so is dependent on so many factors entirely outside any kind of control. sure, i could live on a mountain somewhere and a million things would be outside my control anyway- nothing ever really is in control at all. that's fine. but when pondering sane chaos versus insane chaos- bet against people. always.

i spent the summer of 2006 on a farm, about three hours down a dirt road, literally in the middle of nowhere. no electricity, phone- anything. i lived in a tipi, and i was so much cleaner than i am now. i swam in the pond when i felt hot, i washed my clothes everyday, our cooking was efficient and clean, i lay my blankets out to air in the sun every morning and by nightfall they were warm and smelled like grass. we picked vegetables out of the garden, packed them with herbs into a baking dish, buried it in the fire coals, went swimming, and had awesome food when we got back. i loved the summer- it's so different from hating and resenting the heat like i find myself doing now. i went running with my dog every morning while the boys slept in and it was awesome. he slept with me every night and i knew if anyone came near he'd wake me up. i'm glad he's still out where he's got space to run and doesn't have to be inside all day, but i miss him.
i don't feel clean when i shower here. it's just muggy and doesn't drain right and the water feels stale. my clothes are definitely not as clean. i'm so depressed about the kitchen. in many ways i love it here, but in cerebral, intellectual ways. it's neat to walk to the coffee house, i like powells- having so many books in one place is awesome. but hiking out a few at a time, i appreciate them more. i like the art, the school, i love the gallery... but as a physical creature i am not happy. i'm uncomfortable, cramped, crowded, constantly in the middle of all this noise pollution, bad smells, having to be on alert in case this particular guy on a park bench is going to try to kill me, spending crazy amounts of money to not eat as well...

i love david. i love ideas about the situation we're in now. i'm happy i'm here, i wanted to be here, i want to be in school... but damn it, modern civilization is a bad idea. in terms of simple quality of life, the most recent and extreme example- three months of sun, quiet, reflection, time with milo, time in the garden, ridiculous abundance of srawberries- as in "holy shit man, it is absolutely absurd how many strawberries we have." swimming, early morning cool, feeling clean... i spent about $25 bucks. i bought a new pair of socks before i went, and bought a big bag of dog food for milo to mix with veggies. i brought a couple books, a few blankets. some matches. living in the city this summer i have spent many hundreds of dollars. over a thousand on rent- just to occupy space in an existing box. i have not had milo with me, i have been physically miserable, i have not had quiet really ever, and i have certainly not had crazy amounts of strawberries.

this is a stupid, and obvious.

the problem is getting land and maintaining it. whenever it is necessary to interact with larger society something bad happens. to live in the world you need some form of income, and so, so many people where i grew up with are losing their farms. rich people build big houses on them instead.

this is getting cyclical and silly. i miss not looking in a mirror ever. i miss getting to be naked in the sun. i miss solitude. i miss long talks while working. i miss milo. i miss sleeping. i miss food. i miss clean water. i miss good work. i miss the smell of tomato pollen.

i don't see any way back to those things. again, civilization is just stupid. it makes no sense, takes so much effort, has so many layers of infrastructure and middlemen to get anything done that no real relationship between action and result seems to exist in the modern consciousness. for instance... a person works as an accountant or something else involving paper. nothing they are doing directly supports their life on an immediate level such as killing a chicken or patching a roof. sure, the work results in money which results in food, but the levels of separation are important. the immediacy is important. office space is the total cliche of this. generations of people so distanced from their hunter/gatherer genetics as to be absolutely desperately bored and frustrated. it also allows things like a failure to take responsibility for one's own survival, and what that takes. most people who eat meat would be horrified by the inside of a slaughterhouse, which is infinitely less humane than a home slaughtering, but because they are distanced from it, they allow it to go on. i don't think many americans think about the reality of death while they eat meat. it's not pretty, and being industrialized makes it even less so. anyone, animal or human, about to be killed is scared. they scream, they fight, they shit on themselves. even when perfectly humane and clean, which the modern meat industry is not, there is a moment when a bullet or a hatchet or a knife touches skin, and that is a big deal. lack of respect for the basic processes of life, not having to deal with death, yet being fed, not having to deal with shit, yet shitting, working, but never seeing the work you do improve your own life, rather, working for someone else in order to get money to pay a stranger to fix your house... the levels of removal are insane. lack of respect compounds lack of respect. is it any wonder most americans are fat, entitled, thoughtless assholes? they never have to see where their shit goes. they never take responsibility for anything.

i am done ranting now.

yogurt and the joy of little growing organisms.

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 02:48:03 GMT

I am having a lot of time to lie here and think, and you know, yogurt is kind of like a vagina.

Good cultures make tasty, bad cultures make unhappy and smelly.

Prefer to spend their time being gently incubated at about 80 degrees as they cook their happy little biosphere of happy, balanced little organisms.

It's creepy to think about being a host to a whole world of little living things. Making cheese and yogurt a lot recently has me thinking about it. I decided to try to visualize my little population of flora and fauna, be at peace with them, make them my allies and confidants rather than ignore and abuse them.

Like me, prescription meds make them ill, and can cause an imbalance in their population, leading to unhappiness. This causes much strife. It's an interesting microcosm of the argument against pesticides I grew up with- common sense to a farming community, seemingly strange, frightening, incomprehensible and possibly deviant to the city world that invented them. It is this: Look, guys, predators and prey developed in pace of each other and are not meant to exist otherwise. A farmer's job is to keep the balance in check, steer it in a direction that is helpful, tend and care for the ecology as a whole in order to maintain a functioning and healthy system based on the existing natural cycles. We are not hippies. We do this because it works better. Not having bugs to deal with sounds good, but here's how it actually goes:

-Broad spectrum pesticide kills off all the bugs at once- the prey animals that eat our veggies and the predator bugs that eat the veggie eating bugs.
-Like rabbits and rats, the prey bugs breed fast. Like wolves, coyotes and polar bears, the predator bugs breed slowly. This means that next year, the infestation is terrible.
-The farmer buys more spray
-Next year, the farmer needs even more spray
-Eventually, the bugs that pollinate his crops are dead, the cycles are all fucked, the soil quality goes to shit and little Timmy has cancer
-The chemical companies raise prices

The quick, simple fix of dousing everything in chemicals actually has complex and shitty consequences. Crap spreads to the water table- infection spreads. Taking care of things gently is simple. When you plant Tomatoes, also plant Marigolds. They'll keep the bugs off. If you really hate gophers, get a cat. Don't try to have a bazillion acres of nothing else in it and not expect the top soil and ecology to go to shit. It's not designed for that. Also, one cow is fine. Poop is awesome fertilizer, and boy they are yummy. A bazillion cows pollute the water table and get ecoli on our spinach. Also- feeding a cow a part of another cow? That's fucked up.
Common sense is easy- it's only when people try to get away with stupid shit that things start to suck. Knocking the balance out of order creates dependence on continually worsening artificial intervention that completely overwhelms the natural system. An analog is the modern vagina. Eating a diet of processed food, high in sugar and starch, full of refined carbohydrates encourages massive yeast infections, which are responded to by taking very strong doses of harsh chemicals which kill everything and start the cycle again.

Damn, I should make a poster. A prickly, irritated shaved cunt would even make a nice mono-culture/clearcut analogy.

Back in mendo-land, standard practice for a yeast infection was a direct introduction of yogurt into the unhappy cunny. The yogurt restores balance to the population. Really a yeast infection is a horde of yeasty hoodlums taking over the place, and when they are checked by a gang of bad ass yogurt culture, peace is restored.

Refusal to deal with, be comfortable with, and get down with the icky particulars of life and that fact that our bodies are part of a natural cycle leads to a lot of shit. Witness all of modern culture. Trying to sterilize everything leads to death.

Therefore, I am taking this moment to celebrate yogurt and my vagina. Both a delicate balance of funny little things with Latin names that come together to create happiness and joy. Final proof of my biological kinship with the yogurt clan? Both are best enjoyed with blueberries, with or without spoon.